


What if...?

by Hanyoqueer



Category: Final Fantasy XIV
Genre: Canon Divergence, Diary/Journal, F/M, Falling In Love, Fluff and Angst, I might add more tags as we go, Idiots in Love, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Masturbation, Mental Breakdown, Mental Health Issues, Multiple Warriors of Light (Final Fantasy XIV), Panic Attacks, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Suicide Notes, Things Get Dark
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-24
Updated: 2020-09-26
Packaged: 2021-03-05 06:20:27
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 3
Words: 6,316
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25489876
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hanyoqueer/pseuds/Hanyoqueer
Relationships: Stephanivien de Haillenarte/Warrior of Light, Warrior of Light (Final Fantasy XIV)/Original Female Character(s)
Comments: 4
Kudos: 6





	1. Chapter 1

** Hanyo’s POV **

_Darkness used to represent the unknown and it used to bring a certain nervousness as Hanyo clenched his sword while on patrol in the streets of Ul'dah. Things used to be so black and white back then. So easy to see what was good and what was bad… But now Darkness has become his haven. When the world is painted in so many shades of grey, when the voices of the guilty and the innocents become deafening to his ears and the pain becomes unbearable, Darkness mutes everything. No colors, no sound… The pain will always linger, but at least in this Darkness, Hanyo's sleep cannot be disturbed._

_However, his nightmares were not present tonight, the darkness replaced by a warm light that soothed him, washing away the pain from his arms. He could hear a voice calling out to him, so far away. At first, he feared it might be the ghost of his dear friend, Oly… But the voice was newer, brighter, happier… It brought him… happiness...? He knew who it was in that instant and he tried to reach out to the voice. His mind wandered in forbidden places, where he could touch his body, feel his warm embrace around him, love the way his eyes desired him with the same passion he had for his work, and where the Miqo'te finally dared to say three simple words to the one he yearned so much…_

Hanyo woke up, sweating, hot, and, to his dismay, aroused. The tall Miqo'te looked around the room he was in, trying to make sense of this alien dream he just had before bringing his attention to the tent in his pants. His cheeks burned in different crimson hues as he let his head fall back into the pillow. He had to take care of this, no way he was going to walk out of here with this at the sight of… 

"Stephanivien…" he whispered to himself as he let the remnants of his dream embrace him as he relieved himself in shame. He thought of the curves of his body, the softness of his skin, the warmth of his smile, and the many ways he desired him.

_How did I get into this mess…?_

* * *

A few weeks ago, he was offered to stay at the Skysteel Manufactory. Haurchefant, his good friend, pushed him to accept after Stephanivien had proposed the idea and it was beneficial for both of them. While the Manufactory would have an extra pair of hands to help around, Hanyo would have a "quieter" and healthier place for him to stay. The Forgotten Knight had been a good place, for a while, but the other patrons would often keep him awake with their lovemaking practices. The sounds brought him back painful memories and triggered his nightmares as well as his anxiety.

" _You need quiet to heal. Please try to stay here… At least for a few nights!"_ His friend had begged him. Haurchefant knew. He knew what the ex paladin had gone through in Ul'dah. He knew what Hanyo does to alleviate the pain that afflicts his mind and soul. He knew what triggers his nightmares and panic attacks. He was one of the few who knew it all. So, when the Elezen knight asked him, Hanyo couldn't provide a counter-argument.

“ _You can use this room. It’s technically mine, but I usually fall asleep at my desk or stay up till dawn, so I don’t mind parting with it.”_ had said the machinist when he guided the dark knight into the room. His smile was like a kick in Hanyo’s chest. A kick, Hanyo noticed, that could very well break down his defenses and expose the mess his mind was in. That very thought brought the Miqo'te to become cold towards his host at first, avoiding him at all cost and taking any chances he could to train longer with Frey or Haurchefant in the hopes that he would not see Stephanivien’s smile. A blinding light in the Darkness Hanyo tried to shroud himself in.

However, as much as he tried to avoid, push away and be cold toward the machinist, Hanyo found himself one morning unable to look away from the sleeping Elezen. He had worked on his machines well into the night and the tall Miqo’te was left in awe as the soft sunlight enveloped him like a blanket, making his hair shine like the golden sand of Thanalan. Hanyo felt his heart stop for a moment, his breath was taken away. He wanted to join him. Sit down next to him, fall asleep peacefully, and, maybe, just once, lose himself in the moment. His legs moved on their own up to this piece of heaven but stopped right at its edge.

_I don’t deserve this… I don’t belong here… I don’t deserve this kind of peace… This isn't for me… He…_

He took a step back as he felt a tear roll on his cheek. 

_I shouldn't feel like this… I shouldn't want this… He…_

Another step back as he took a deep breath, before walking away from this little piece of heaven.

_He deserves someone so much better than me…_

After that event, his demeanor towards the Elezen changed. As much as it hurts him, he settled on becoming Stephanivien's friend and tried to keep it at that. His feelings were not something he could nor should share. Stehanivien was the eldest son of one of the high houses of Ishgard. One day, he will have to marry a noble lady to carry on his House's line and he will have other duties to attend to. Hanyo was an outsider and was training to become a dark knight which made many in Ishgard looked upon him with distrust. He was a broken man, still figuring out his feelings and his place in the world… There was no way Stephanivien could feel the same way Hanyo did… He didn't want to cause the Elezen any trouble with his family, his people, and the Holy See. Strphanivien didn't need some outsider confessing his love for him and complicate things.

Now, every morning, Hanyo would make coffee and bring a cup to Stephanivien. Sometimes, he was sleeping, ink from his blueprints smeared all over his face and other times, partially awake and exchanging ideas with this new friend of his over a few cups of coffee. Every day, the dark knight would have to struggle to keep his feelings at bay, suffering in silence and feeling lovesick. The words burned at his lips and he knew that his dreams about the Elezen were not a good thing. It would be harder to hide now.

* * *

Hanyo stared at his reflection in the mirror, looking for something deep within his soul. An answer maybe? His forearms ached. It has been a few days since he had last brought a blade to his skin and the marks were still healing. His “good” days were slowly outnumbering the bad ones, but not by much. He looked at his arms through the mirror and quickly looked away, disgusted with himself. His many scars there were red, wide, and deep. They represented so much self-hate, so much toxicity, and so much despair, it was easier to pretend they weren’t there and hide them away under some bandages. 

A knock at his door startled him. He was in the process of wrapping one of his arms and was barely finished when he heard a voice coming from beyond.

“Hanyo?” said Stephanivien from the other side of the door, a hint of worry in his voice. Hanyo quickly wrapped the rest of his forearm and quickly started on the other. The sound of his voice sent shivers down the tip of his tail. Images from his dream surged back into his mind and he blushed heavily as he felt his pants get a little tighter than before. 

“J-Just a moment!” he yelled back as he clumsily finished the other wrapping. 

_Please go down, please go down, please go down…_ He begged himself as he crouched down for a moment, trying to chase his boner away. 

“Would… would you mind if I come in?” asked Stephanivien, the worry ever more apparent in his voice. Hanyo rushed to the door and opened it. Stephanivien looked at him a little confused, but still smiling warmly. It made Hanyo’s heart skip a beat and he silently motioned he could come in. The Miqo'te didn’t dare look at the other man directly, lest the Elezen saw the storm of emotions behind his eyes. He had to calm himself somehow. 

“I made coffee! I know you usually make it, but since I woke up before you, I figured I could try making some.” said the Elezen shyly. He had placed the mugs on the desk where he sat down. “Did you sleep well?” he asked as he looked at the Miqo’te, a little blush on his cheeks. Hanyo took a moment to eye the mug before moving towards it to take a sip. It was strong. Maybe a little too strong. It was like a slap in the face, but it helped to wake him up.

“I guess you could say that… It’s been a while since I’ve had any decent sleep…” said Hanyo sitting down on his bed before daring to look back at the Elezen. “Your coffee isn’t bad, maybe just a little too strong. Some yak or buffalo milk could help tone it down a bit next time.” He said smiling a little. Stephanivien looked back at him, the blush still showing on his face. He wasn’t paying attention to the coffee or the culinary comments Hanyo offered him.

“I never knew you had that many scars on your body.” Said Stephanivien as he moved to Hanyo’s side, leaving his mug behind. For a split second, Hanyo thought he was talking about his forearms, but before he could pull himself away from the Elezen, he remembered he was shirtless and Stephanivien had been looking at his chest this whole time. He still didn’t dare look at the Elezen and felt his cheek grow warm when he felt the other man’s hand on him.

“T-that comes with the job you know…” replied the Miqo’te nervously. They had never been alone like this, nor ever this close. He took another sip of his coffee and winced at its bitterness.

“Did you get them from protecting someone?” asked the Elezen again, his eyes still fixed on the X like scar on the Miqo’te’s chest. Hanyo finally looked at Stephanivien and had to remind himself to breathe for a moment.

“Most of them… Some are from when I was a kid or when I did stupid shit…” replied Hanyo truthfully. He looked at the Elezen’s curious face, lingering maybe a little too long on his lips only looking away to see a strand of golden hair fell on Stephanivien’s face. Hanyo fought the urge to place it back behind his ear. "It's all boring stuff anyway. You wouldn't want to hear about it, I'm sure." Said the Miqo'te as he forced himself to look away, afraid he might just close the gap between them.

"What if… What if I do? Would you tell me about them? About… you?" Replied the Elezen, his voice becoming a whisper by his last word. Hanyo felt his heart soar, his spirit lifted, his pain washed away by a sea of joy. What if… what if… Hanyo could either do nothing and pretend he heard wrong, keeping his distances with Stephanivien or…

"Only if you tell me all about you too…" said the Dark Knight, gently placing the golden lock of hair behind the Elezen's ear, risking his heart and everything that brings him joy in a bet he wasn't sure to win. Hanyo didn't dare to look at the Elezen and, for a moment there, his heart sank. He was about to offer an apology and leave when the Elezen spoke up.

"I would very much like that. Shall we say… here? Tonight?" asked Stephanivien, his smile erasing every doubt the Miqo'te might have had. He nodded, still not looking directly at the other man, but genuinely smiling for the first time in more than a year. He wanted to look at Stephanivien's face. He wanted to see his eyes, but if he did… He would be a mess.

"I'll wait for you. The door is always open to you Steph… I've got to go to Camp Dragonhead today to help Haurchefant with recruits, so if I'm not back before sundown… You can come in. I'll try to come back quickly." Said Hanyo, feeling like he was rambling. He wanted to shout just how happy he was, it felt like he was coming back alive. Nothing could ruin this day. 


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Nothing could ruin this day. "
> 
> Stephanivien's POV of the day.

** Steph’s POV **

The day proved itself to be longer than usual. The anticipation for the night's meeting with the Miqo'te occupied most of Stephanivien's mind. Joye had to snap him back from his daydreaming on multiple occasions and push him to stay focused on their training.

The noble Elezen had been fascinated by this strange new person in Ishgard. He had read tales of the people living outside the city's territory but never had been in the presence of one of them. He tried to ask many questions about where Hanyo came from, most of them were initially deflected rather coldly. Haurchefant had warned him that the Miqo'te was still going through some difficult times and that he might not be very open to sharing much initially. 

"He's… Think of him like a wounded animal. If you want to get closer to him, you will have to make him trust and respect you. " had said Greystone once, leaving no precise details to Stephanivien and leaving him with more questions than answers.

For days after, the Elezen had tried to get closer to the Miqo’te, without much success. He had almost given up when, one morning, Hanyo was reading a book across from him. The Miqo’te had greeted him with a warm mug of coffee and some small talk. Not wanting to ruin his chances, Stephanivien played along. His questions burned at his lips, but he remembered Haurchefant’s words. He had to be patient. 

As time passed, Stephanivien was able to ask his questions about the world outside of Ishgard. Hanyo would always calmly answer them, but always deflected any questions about him. However, by spending more time talking to one another, Stephanivien soon discovered a few things about his new Miqo'te friend. He found out Hanyo loved to read and brought him an old storybook he had at the manor. Upon gifting the book, the Elezen saw Hanyo's face lit up for the first time since they had met. It was at that moment that Stephanivien realized why he was so fascinated by the Miqo'te.

The thought of loving another man had crossed his mind before. He had heard of such things, but those affairs remained rare and not well looked upon. He was almost 30 years old, never been in love, and never had much interest in any noblewomen his father would introduce to him. Men, however… Well, he may have looked at a few and lingered on them for a bit too long. When he saw Hanyo for the first time, he had to admit to himself that the Miqo'te was eye-candy and his staring was the cause of their meeting. Had he not been staring so intensively, Hanyo wouldn't have lost his sparing match to Haurchefant, the duo might have never come to see the machinist and, in his nervousness, he might have never offered his room for rent to Hanyo. 

The sun was finally setting on Ishgard when the doors to the Manufactory opened. Hoping it was Hanyo, Stephanivien almost rushed to the front door only to be greeted by a worried Haurchefant. When the knight saw his machinist friend, he came closer to him.

“Have you seen Hanyo? I’m worried about him.” Said Haurchefant, lowering his voice so only Steph could hear him. Stephanivien shook his head. He hadn’t seen the Miqo’te since they parted in the morning. Worry grew in his guts.

“Shit… Well, if he comes by, just… Just make sure he’s okay…” said Haurchefant, before seeing the worry in the Haillenarte heir’s eyes. “It’s not my place to explain, but… Long story short, he got into a fight with a guest of the Sultansworn of Ul’dah… Don’t worry, no one is injured, but...”

Again, Haurchefant left him with more questions than answers. Who was that person he got into a fight with? What was the reason for the fight? Why did it affect Hanyo so much? Where was he? Why was Haurchefant so worried? 

"Haurchefant, tell me what happened today. Hanyo will never tell me, but I still want to help him… Let me try to help somehow." Said Stephanivien determined. The other Elezen looked at him for a moment before letting out a long sigh. 

"Fine… I wasn't there went the fight broke out, but your brother was. A little after midday, a group of 4 Sultansworn from Ul'dah arrived at Camp Dragonhead, looking for an individual who stole a paladin relic. Two of them looked like newer recruits and stayed clear from Hanyo. Their captain was nice enough to greet him and try to catch up a bit." Began the knight.

"Wait, they knew each other?" Asked Stephanivien.

"Hanyo used to be a Sultansworn before offering his services to House Fortemps. From my understanding of things, this officer used to also be his captain. They didn't seem close, but at least their exchanges were polite." Said Haurchefant before pausing. "The last one was the idiot who started the fight. At soon as he saw Hanyo approach him, he spat in his face and began to throw slurs at him… We were outraged by the conduct of this man, but Hanyo stayed calm and told us not to worry about it. Their commanding officer reprimanded his behavior, but that was the extent of it. Things got heated a few hours later when we were having lunch. I had to step out to discuss with the Sultansworn captain, so I can't give you much more details than what your brother told me. Once we were outside, the idiot began to rile on Hanyo and taunt him. He stayed calmed I'm told, maybe because he had been in such a great mood all the morning…" continued Haurchefant. This made Stephanivien happy. "But, Francel told me that it took Hanyo everything to just sit there and take it. The other guy, probably seeing that his taunts were ineffective, began to insult someone from Hanyo's past. Francel wasn't too sure about who he was referring to, but I think I do…" Haurchefant paused again, his expression grave. The other Elezen was puzzled by this new bit of information. Why would he do that? Who was that person and why would it affect Hanyo like this? Always more questions than answers.

"Well, Francel says that it got Hanyo's attention. Words were exchanged and when the idiot taunt him again, Hanyo grabbed him by the collar and dragged him outside. He requested a duel, which the other guy couldn’t refuse. I… had never seen him so angry…" Said Haurchefant, with more confidence, since he had witnessed the fight.

"Did he beat him?" Asked Stephanivien, feeling anger towards this unknown man. How dare he hurt Hanyo? Hurt his…? He stopped that train of thoughts before it got too far, feeling his cheeks grow warm.

"Yes, but… that still didn't stop the other from taunting him further. Hanyo punched him so hard he broke the other's teeth before leaving the camp to Halone knows where…" pause Haurchefant, trying to recall all the possible place the Miqo'te could have gone to. He finally let out a long sigh. "This probably brought back some unwanted memories and I worry for Hanyo’s state of mind now… Again, if you see him, please take care of him." Finished the knight before promptly leaving to continue his search.

Stephanivien was left there, angry at this Sultansworn for the way he had been with Hanyo. At this point, he couldn't focus on his work. Most of the people working at the Manufactory were gone for the day, so Stephanivien made his way to his old room to wait for the Miqo'te there. 

As he walked into the room, he had a brief hope that Hanyo would be there, waiting for him. However, to Stephanivien's disappointment, the Miqo'te was nowhere to be found. He took a moment to look around his old room and, although Hanyo had been living here for some time now, the Miqo’te didn’t change it much. He had started to pile up some books by the bed, but that was the extent of the changes. The Elezen sat at the desk and eyed the few books that laid there. 

_History of the Heaven’s Wards, History of Ishgard, The Dragonsong War, and Analysis of the Great Wyrms… Man, he’s trying to learn our history…_ Said the Elezen to himself as he noticed a book lacking a title. The cover had seen better days, but it’s content looked intact. Leather straps kept the book closed. Curious as he is, Stephanivien removed the straps and opened the book, still thinking it was a normal book of sorts. 

The first page was poorly written as if a child had written the words.

_Fourth Astral Moon, 24th Sun, Year 1562_

_Daddy gave me this book so I can write down my thoughts. Hanyo thinks it’s a great gift, but I think it’s stupid. Still, I guess it’s not so bad… Will you keep the secret of_ _~~Olpheria~~ _ _Oly Provost, my dear diary? Other kids are always making fun of my ears, but Hanyo says I shouldn’t listen to them and be proud. He says that as if it was easy. Hyurs look at me funny and Elezen look down on me… But I’m always happy whenever he fights them for me… It’s kind of cool but I would never tell him, that big idiot! Hanyo, if you read this, I’m telling your moms!!_

Stephanivien read the lines a few more times, still unsure of what this was. He skipped a few pages and continued to read. This time, the handwriting was better.

_Fifth Umbral Moon, 4th Sun, Year 1572_

_Dear diary, things are looking rough… We were asked to keep an eye on the Garlean Castrum that overlooks Vesper Bay, but we’re still kids! Hanyo is sleeping on my shoulder as I’m writing this. His birthday is in three days… Dalamud is still growing closer. We were told that most of the Flames and the rest of the Alliance are at Carteneau, fighting the main Garlean force. I’m scared, but with this idiot next to me… I think I’m okay to die by his side… If we survive this, I will tell him how I feel._

The Elezen’s heart ached for a moment. This girl, Oly, loved Hanyo. The Miqo’te never mentioned her before. Unless… He quickly skipped a few more pages, read again, and skipped again.

_First Umbral Moon, 6th Sun, Year 0_

_We made it! Because of our help during the Calamity, we were first offered a place at the Gladiator Guild, and now we’re going to become Sultansworn! TOGETHER!! This is a dream come true. My best friend, the man I love, with me, protecting the people of Ul’dah and the Sultana. I couldn’t wish for any more! We’re supposed to swear our Oath tomorrow, but I think I will make Hanyo stays awake all night with me._

_Third Astral Moon, 22nd Sun, Year 2_

_I wish the others would cut him some slacks. They act all nice and polite to his face, but as soon as they drink a few beers, it’s_ _“Hanyo_ _is such a downer. How are books more interesting than us?”,_ _“Wish_ _he could go easy on us during training…” or even_ _“I_ _bet he wouldn’t even know what to do with a girl, even if she fell on his lap”. I swear to Nymeia, these guys are idiots. For one, yes, Books are more interesting than your sorry asses. Two, no, he’s making sure you can fight opponents bigger and stronger than your stupid ass. And Three, Yes, he knows how to treat a woman in bed! Very well might I had!! …I think he knows that they speak like this behind his back, but he seems fine with it. Says that he’s got what he needs to be happy. I’m excited about our camping trip next week._

_Second Umbral Moon, 31st Sun, Year 3_

_Papashan asked me to focus my patrols on the Red Light district. Some merchant lost his precious flower and he fears for the safety of the brothel’s personnel. I guess I was an easy choice for the task since I already spend so much time there. The Goblet is still under construction, but at the rate we’ve been saving, we should be able to afford our very own house sometimes next year… If Hanyo can stop buying more books to read… We’ve made a deal, and I think he’s been keeping his end of the deal, but I can see his eyes when we walk by that bookstore… Maybe I could buy him one…_

_Sixth Umbral Moon, 7th Sun, Year 3_

_We’ve made strides in our investigation, but I’m afraid we still have no idea who is behind the whole affair. We’ve spotted the same group of Returners by the market today, but they ran off as soon as we approached them. Are they following us? Or is it just a coincidence? Hanyo says he has a bad feeling about them, and I have to agree with him. Something is up. Hopefully, after we arrest the one responsible for this sex and slave trade, we can finally go look at the different plots in the Goblet. Soon._

At this point, Stephanivien noticed how the handwriting changed drastically. There were no dates and only the spaces between the entries could indicate they were written at different times.

**_He_ ** _’s still here. I can see_ **_him_ ** _when I close my eyes. I can hear_ **_him_ ** _. I can feel_ **_his_ ** _hand on my throat. I hear a roar. His roar… I still see red. Blood… SO much blood._ **_His_ ** _blood, my blood… But I saw_ **_him_ ** _dead. But_ **_he_ ** _’s still here._ **_He’_ ** _s in me. I can't move. I still can't move._ **_He_ ** _’s still in me._

_The beast. He comes every day. I want to talk. I want to hold him. But_ **_he_ ** _will hurt him._ **_He_ ** _will torture more. I have to protect him. I hear his voice. Soft, warm. I want to go to it. But_ **_he_ ** _’s still here._ **_His_ ** _knife on my ears. My pride…_ **_His_ ** _hands on my throat. My life… I hear_ **_his_ ** _breath. I can’t sleep. I won’t sleep._

_Crack. Crack. Crack. My bones. I hear my bones break._ **_He_ ** _breaks them._ **_He_ ** _breaks me…_ **_He_ ** _cuts me._ **_He_ ** _controls me. But I have to protect him. I see red. I see_ **_him_ ** _over me._ **_He_ ** _’s still in me. In my head. But_ **_IT’S_ ** _inside of me. Take it out! TakeitouttakeitouttakeitoutTakeitouttakeitouttakeitoutTakeitouttakeitouttakeitoutTakeitouttakeitouttakeitoutTakeitouttakeitouttakeitoutTakeitouttakeitouttakeitoutTakeitouttakeitouttakeitoutTakeitouttakeitouttakeitoutTakeitouttakeitouttakeitoutTakeitouttakeitouttakeitoutTakeitouttakeitouttakeitoutTakeitouttakeitouttakeitout-_

The rest of the pages were ripped, leaving this as the final entry in the journal. Stephanivien was still confused by all of these entries when he noticed a letter at the end of the diary. It was addressed to Hanyo. The Elezen wondered if he should read it. The letter was open; it would be easy to put the note back in it. On the other hand, this was addressed to Hanyo. Maybe it’s private. Maybe Hanyo doesn’t wish for anyone to read it. 

However, at this point, curiosity was too great and he was far too invested in this. He had learned so much about Hanyo from Oly’s diary, even if the last bits didn’t make much sense. This letter could maybe even help Hanyo with whatever he was struggling with. He took a deep breath and opened the note.

“ _Hanyo,_

_I’m sorry. Please forgive me._

_I love you._

_Oly_ “

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed this trip down the rabbit hole. If you enjoyed it, leave a Kudo or comment :3 
> 
> I am still working on that last part which is going to show both Hanyo and Steph's POVs. <3


	3. Chapter 3

Stephanivien had placed back the note in its envelope and made sure to set the journal in the same way he had found it on the desk. After reading the note, he just sat on the bed and waited in complete silence. He wasn’t sure how to process what he had read. Whatever this Oly did, hurt the Miqo’te and part of Stephanivien hated her for it… Or was it jealousy? Envy for the fact that he once looked at her with a smile, that he loved her for so long? 

His mind wandered off into the night. He eventually lost track of time and began to doze off on the Miqo’te’s bed. The sheets and pillows smelled like Hanyo. The scent warmed the Elezen like a banket. It was comforting and he felt safe. 

A little after midnight, Stephanivien woke up at the sound of steps. He quickly sat up on the bed, his heart racing, pounding in his chest as he made sure he was hearing right. The steps got closer and finally, the door slowly opened. Unconsciously, Stephanivien had stood up as he looked at the Miqo'te before him.

Hanyo's eyes were fixed on the floor and hadn't noticed the Elezen yet. He looked tired, his entire body was shaking from either the cold, exhaustion or from a wound the Elezen couldn't yet see. Stephanivien took a step towards the door, which made Hanyo look up from the ground, noticing the other's presence. The dark knight stared back at the machinist, their eyes meeting for the first time that day, but only for a brief moment before Hanyo's gaze fell once more, ashamed.

"I'm sorry I wasted your time… I won't be a bother again. I'll be on my way." Said Hanyo as he began to step out of the room. His expression, while looking neutral to most, was pained and pitiful.

"Stay." Ordered Stephanivien without thinking. It was gentle, yet strict and the Miqo'te froze in his track. The Elezen slowly walked up to the other man as Hanyo slowly turned to face Stephanivien. Upon coming closer, Stephanivien noticed the blood leaking from Hanyo's gauntlets. 

_Focus on him, not what he did…_ Stephanivien told himself as he pushed his worry away for a moment.

"Look at me" he ordered again, still gentle, as he cupped the Miqo'te's cheek in his hand. Hanyo flinched at the touch, still avoiding the Elezen's eyes. "Hanyo, please look at me…" asked Stephanivien again, his voice lower almost a whisper. When the Miqo'te's fire and ice eyes met the Elezen's, Hanyo broke down. To see this normally stoic and serious man cry so much was disheartening. 

"I don't deserve this… I shouldn't want this… I… I'm not a good man… I'm a… monster…" He said, the last word painful to voice out loud, as tears fell on his cheeks like rivers. His voice was broken as if he had screamed his pain at the world for hours on end. Stephanivien's heart ached at this sight.

_Please smile for me…_

The Elezen brought the Miqo'te into a tight hug, placing his chin on the top of Hanyo's head. 

"No matter what you say about yourself, it won't change the fact that I love you. I love you for who you are; the dark knight, the fighter, the tormented soul, the passionate reader, the gentlest soul I've met and the protector. I am not afraid to love you, Hanyo… never was, never will.

Hanyo staggered, shock on his face as tears were still streaming down. Stephanivien felt the dark knight's arms hesitantly wrap around him. Hanyo clung to the Elezen's clothing, as if he would let go, Stephanivien would be gone. Hanyo began to sob violently against the Elezen's chest. Stephanivien could feel how scared the other was, he could feel the strength behind the Miqo'te's desperate hug. The Machinist placed his hand in Hanyo's white short hair and gently caressed and kissed his ears and head.

When it looked like Hanyo had calmed down a bit, Stephanivien tried to meet the other man's gaze, mustering a little bit of courage.

"Hanyo, please look at me again." He asked once more. To Stephanivien's surprise, Hanyo looked up, his eyes exhausted and red from crying, but also serious with a hint of bashful at the same time. Stephanivien smiled before he let himself close the gap between their lips. At first, Hanyo was tensed, but quickly, his worries and insecurities melted away as he reciprocated the kiss. Stephanivien could feel the burning passion behind it. Hanyo nibbled gently and greedily at the Elezen’s lips with his canines. What started out as a chaste kiss, soon flared up their desire for each other. Stephanivien reluctantly had to break it before things could get further.

"Let's take care of you first alright?" Said the Elezen as he guided the Miqo'te closer to the bed. He felt the discomfort coming from Hanyo at the mention of his bloody forearms. Stephanivien felt Hanyo hold him a bit harder.  "Get comfortable. I'm not going anywhere and if you don't at least change out of your armor, you'll catch a cold." He said softly to the Miqo'te. Hanyo looked into the Elezen's blue eyes for a moment and nod. He then reluctantly moved away from Stephanivien to remove his armor and set it down by his desk. Meanwhile, the Elezen was looking for some fresh clothes and bandages for the other man in the room’s closet. He knew he had a first aid kit somewhere in the room.

When he finally found them, Stephanivien looked back at Hanyo who was sitting on the bed. He had removed the majority of his armor and clothing but was still wearing his pants and gauntlets. His gaze was fixed on the Elezen. He looked confused for a moment, before relaxing when Stephanivien looked back at him.

"What? Do I have something on my face?" Asked Stephanivien, knowing full well Hanyo had noticed his flushed cheeks. The Miqo'te shook his head, looking down at his forearms.

"Just… thinking." He replied as Stephanivien sat down next to the Miqo'te and started to slowly remove his gauntlets. The Elezen was expecting the worst, especially since he felt Hanyo tense up the moment he touched his forearms. 

"Look at me. You don't have to look at it. I'm going to take care of you." Said the Elezen as he peeked at Hanyo's forearms. His heart almost stopped when he saw the amount of blood the Miqo'te had lost and the many other scars under all that mess. He steeled himself quickly, focusing on gently cleaning the wounds and applying new bandages on the Miqo'te forearms. Even the slightest touch made Hanyo flinched. Stephanivien apologized each time.

As the Elezen worked, he couldn't forget how they had kissed not even moments before. He could still feel the Miqo'te's canines gently biting his lips and yearn for more. He tried to stay focused on his task and was almost done when Hanyo suddenly leaned on him, burying his face in the Elezen's neck. Stephanivien could feel his cheeks turn red, his mind running wild as he felt the Miqo'te's hot breath on his skin. 

"Am I allowed to be happy?” Asked Hanyo, his voice so low Stephanivien barely heard it. The Elezen finished applying the new bandages on the Miqo’te’s arms and gently pushed the other man away so they could look at one another.

“Why not?” asked Stephanivien, his eyes fixed on the tired Miqo’te. Hanyo was still looking away but seemed a lot more relaxed than before.

"… It feels like I’m betraying my old partner, even if she’s gone. I'm… disgusted with myself. I’ve failed her and I’m afraid I could fail again… I’m afraid I’ll fail you… ” said Hanyo before pausing, his eyes fixed on Stephanivien’s hands. After a brief silence, Hanyo reached out to grab the other man’s hands, making Stephanivien blush even more. “I tried to stay away, to not fall for you. But you soothe the pain… When I’m with you, I can hope again…" he paused once more.

"So now, I'm afraid I'll screw up again and lose you too. I’m afraid that if I look at you, I’ll wake up, you’ll be gone. I'm afraid that this will all have been a dream…” said Hanyo, focusing on Stephanivien's hands, squeezing them to convince himself that he was not dreaming. In a bold move that even surprised himself, Stephanivien pulled Hanyo towards him and kissed him once more, with more force than before. If words won't convince the Miqo'te, then actions will. The Elezen felt Hanyo take control of the kiss and pushed Stephanivien on the bed, pinning him down in the process. When they broke the kiss, both were panting heavily.

"Are you convinced this isn't a dream yet?" Asked Stephanivien, blushing heavily as he felt both their erections rub on each other under the fabric of their clothes. Hanyo gave him a small tired smile.

"Yeah… I believe you… And if it is a dream, I don't ever want it to end." He paused for a moment, feeling his eyes become heavy, but with that same little smile. A smile just for Stephinivien. Hanyo laid his head down on the Elezen's shoulder, closing his eyes and took a deep breath. Stephanivien swore that, for split second, Hanyo purred.

"You smell like home…" he whispered as he fell asleep, his sore hand caressing the Elezen’s hair.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading this far! I hope you have enjoyed this story as much as I did writing it! ;w;
> 
> If you've enjoyed this, I still have some bits that I wasn't able to place into *motions to the above content* this. There will be an epilogue and some small moments between these two love birds.
> 
> Again, thank you and stay safe! <3

**Author's Note:**

> Hey! Thank you for making it this far! I wrote this mostly to help me solidify the lore for my WoL. He joined the Scions during the events of HW with other WoLs.  
> Thank you to VaporLace and my SO for proofreading this! ;A;


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